if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
