Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
