I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
