Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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