just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
