We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize