I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
