When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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