sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
