I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
