I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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