you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
