I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
