Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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