she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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