Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
