I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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