It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
