just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
