so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
