She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think I won the penis lottery.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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