My first STD was from a foam party
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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