when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
