sarcasm needs its own font
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
