you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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