hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
