he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
