I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
smell my finger.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
