you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
