I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
