you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
