i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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