he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
