I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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