Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
