we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
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