Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize