It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
