After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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