I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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