I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
