She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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