I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize