yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
