Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize