so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
