I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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