WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
