Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
