Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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