3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
don't judge my taste in strippers
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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