No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize