I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize