I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
