I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
