come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
