I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
