I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
