I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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