I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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